I’ve been trying to suss out the source of the problem
because I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get back to revisions
because I’m SO CLOSE to being finished. I’ve been through almost every comment
I have from my critique partners. I’ve made changes from the beginning (oh,
GOD, that beginning!) to the end (which has made it through remarkably
unscathed from my original draft). I have a short list of details I need to
refine and that won’t take much time. If I could just make myself push through
this to the finish, I could be ready to query.
But maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I don’t want to query.
Not that contests are any indication of how you’ll do once you query, but I’ve
struggled with contests more than I’ve struggled with motivation these last
couple of weeks. If I don’t query, I’ll never fail. Of course, I have to query
if I ever want to achieve my dream. I know this. I’m not afraid, not really. So
that’s not the problem.
Maybe my problem is that I’ve been working hardcore on
this for months. I tell people that doing what I’m doing in like having two
fulltime jobs—one, I make flavors; two, I write, I critique, I contest, I
revise. Most people don’t believe I put the amount of effort into this that I
have. Really, though, for months I’ve spent almost as much time on writing
stuff as I have making flavors. When you have four critique partners (three in
your CP group and one solo), you have to read four novels (more than once) and
read four sets of critiques (more than once). Reading the novels is easy; the
critiques, not so much.
Each CP has different sticking points, different things
they like and different things they don’t. You have to dig through and figure
out what’s best for the manuscript, even if that means you ignore this CP in
this case and that CP in another. Then once you make revisions, if you aren’t sure
about what you’ve done, you send it out to your critique partners again and
wait for the inevitable—return emails saying you still haven’t got it quite
right. So you do it again. And again. And
again.
All this again
reminds me of the construction going on across the street from my flavor
company. For two weeks now, I’ve watched various sizes and shapes of
construction vehicles pushing dirt around. Sometimes they push it north to
south, sometimes east to west, and sometimes it looks like they’re just driving
around in circles for the fun of it. The lot looks the same today as it did two
weeks ago. So what are they doing over
there? Because to me it looks like they’re just moving dirt around and will
keep moving dirt around for months, years, ever. I can’t help wondering the
same thing when I sit down for revisions. What
am I doing over here?
I can revise all I like, contest and query all I like,
but in the end that doesn’t mean I’ll sign with an agent. It doesn’t mean I’ll
get this manuscript published. Somewhere herein is my problem—it all feels so
damn futile. I revise, revise, revise, query, query, query, and several months
from now I may be right back here again, only with a manuscript that’s
basically dead.
This isn’t to say I’m giving up—that dirt field will turn
into something at some point, right? I talked to one of my CPs last night and
she told me that may be my problem.
Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes you have to step back and breathe and
gather your strength and hope and grit before you get back to it. The break can
be short—a few days or weeks—or it can be long—a few years. I’ve done the few
years break and I don’t want to do that again. I’ll take these couple of weeks
for what they’ve been and I’ll get back to it soon, I swear. My manuscript is
far beyond a dirt field. It’s nearly ready for its shot out there in the tough
agent world. Soon, it’ll be ready and out there.
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